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I'll Stand By You

Part 1

She is waiting for me when I get back to my hotel room after the show. I'm
not surprised, just.. a little annoyed, yet at the same time relieved. Does
that make any sense? It makes more sense than anything else about this
situation. After unlacing my boots and removing the protective padding, I
look at her. "What are you doing here?"

"Are you ok?" Her quiet voice is full of concern and I can see the worry in
her face. I laugh shortly. "Yeah, just fine sweetheart."

She looks at me with exasperation and I immediately feel guilty. Her question
was nothing more than a courtesy, she knows that I'm not ok, but she wants me
to say it before doing anything about it. I sigh and drop into an armchair.
For some fucked up reason, I want to see how far I can push her before she
loses her temper with me and gives up on me completely. She's lost her temper
with before and she's stormed off in anger, but she's never given up on me
completely. To be perfectly honest, if she did I'd fall apart on the spot.

"Talk to me." She stands in front of me, arms crossed. I reach out and pull
her towards me, wrapping my arms around her waist and burying my face in her
midriff. With out hesitation, her hands come up and she strokes my hair,
murmuring soothing words and instantly, I feel relaxed. This is when I feel
my calmest, when she is close to me.

After a few minutes, we part. She cups my face between her hands and kisses
my forehead. "Go shower. You smell."

I take a quick shower, wanting to return to the serenity that I only find in
her embrace. I know what people are saying about us, but it's simply not
true. Other than a few calming caresses and gentle kisses on the forehead or
cheek, there's been no physical relationship. I'd say we're more spiritually
and emotionally intimate than most couples, but there's nothing physical in


I dry myself off and pull on a pair of jeans. Tying my hair back, I walk out
of the bathroom. She's laying on her side on the bed, watching an old
Simpsons episode on tv. I watch her for a minute, marvelling the way she can
still find humour in the tired old gags. She looks up and beckons me over. I
lay on my back on the bed next to her. She immediately turns off the tv, and
lays on her back next to me. She smiles as I rest my head on her shoulder,
and smooths a stray lock of hair away from my face, singing in a soft tone
"Come, why you look so sad, the tears are in your eyes, come on and come to
me now, dont be ashamed to cry, let me see you through, cause I've seen the
darkside too, when the night falls on you, and you don't know what to do."

I smile, knowing that she means every word. She hums the next few bars, then
laughs. I raise an eyebrow sleepily. "What's so funny?"

"Just wondering what everyone would think if they knew that our nights were
spent talking." She giggles. I raise myself up on an elbow and look at her.
"Why is that?"

"Well.. you know what everyone thinks of us right?" She blushes a little. I
know exactly what everyone thinks - hot, wild, kinky sex. Trying to look
confused I ask "No, what?"

"That we... you know." She blushes a deep red. I'm suddenly struck by how
beautiful she is. She looks up at me and starts to say something, but falls
silent. Slowly, I lean down and brush my lips over hers. It is only for the
briefest of moments, yet it feels like an eternity and when I pull away, I
am feeling slightly shaken. She bites her lip and looks away. I flop onto my
back and stare at the roof. A long silence follows. "I'm sorry."

She doesn't answer. I start feeling uncomfortable, something I thought would
never happen with her. I move off the bed and look out the window. "Maybe
you'd better go."

I can hear her gasp, but I don't look around. If I see her now it will be my
undoing. I hear her get up and ask "Is that what you want?"

"It's what you should do."

"Forget about what I should do! If I did what I should do all the time, I
wouldn't be here right now would I?" she yells suddenly. I stare at the
lights below. "Just go."

"Not unless you can honestly tell me you want to me leave." She persists. I
can feel her standing behind me. I rest my forehead on the cold glass as she
wraps her arms around me from behind and rests her head on the back of my
shoulder. Her breath is warm as she whispers "Don't shut me out now."

I freeze as I realise how this must to look to her. I close my eyes and
whisper hoarsely "It's not you."

"From where I'm standing it looks like it." Her arms drop and she steps away.
"You have two choices. You can grow up, let me back in and let me try to help
you out. Or you can continue to stare out the window like an idiot, shut me
out and I can leave me."

Her voice is almost dead, as though she's already made up her mind what my
decision is. I want to speak up, to stop her from leaving me alone like this,
but I can't. I need her with me, not to talk, just to be here, to sooth me. I
need to tell her this, but something stops me. I am about to speak, when I
hear the door click shut. I spin around, only to find myself alone in an
empty room.

Part 2

I close the door quietly behind me, tears slipping down my cheeks. I've never
walked out on him before, especially when he needs me so much. I can't take
this anymore, not when everyone seems to think our relationship is something
it's not. It's not until I reach my hotel room that it sinks in.

He kissed me.

I sit on the bed, bringing my knees up to my chest and resting my head on
them, a small smile playing across my mouth. It's not like I don't find
physically attracted to him - I mean, I've slept at his side almost every
night over the past month, I've felt his body pressed against mine and I've
seen it in nearly every state of dress - from fully clothed to nothing but
a bathtowel and a smirk.

My smile fades as I realise that the kiss was the reason for his change of
mood. I'm so stupid! If I know him at all - and I know him better than
anyone - then he thinks he's overstepped the boundries. Oh please. I should
go back there, reassure him, but I'm not sure how he'll take it. Should I
acknowledge it or ignore it? Did he intend to kiss me or was it a momentary
lapse? If it was intended and I ignore it, what will he do? Worse yet, what
if it was a lapse and I make something of it?

My head spinning, I curl up on the bed. It's only a single, yet it seems
so vast and empty without him next to me. Somehow, I've changed into my
nightgown, I don't remember doing it. Unable to sleep, I flick on MTV,
shuddering at the lyrics. ~I cannot save you... you can't even save

I toss and turn, unable to sleep. I can't believe how reliant I've become on
him. He tells me how much he needs me, but I don't think he knows that I need
him just as much. I know what effect I have on him, I'm like a relaxant. What
he doesn't know is that I feel completely secure with him. There's no
unexpected surprises, till now, we always knew exactly where we stood with
each other.

I drift into an restless sleep. I am tourmented by dreams of him suffering
more than any human should. One dream ends with him taking his own life and
I jolt awake, sitting up in bed and shaking. He needs me. Now. I glance at
the clock and shiver, he usually wakes up from a nightmare around now.

Without hesistation, I head for his room. I catch the looks of those
returning from a clubbing session and I know they think I am crazy but I
don't care. He needs me and that is all that matters right now.

I let myself into his hotel room quietly. I was right, he is tossing and
turning, muttering in his sleep. I sit on the bed next to him and place my
hand on his forehead, talking to him quietly. It has no effect, so I climb
into bed with him and pull him close, smoothing his tangled hair away from
his face. He struggles against me and I reluctantly let go of him, as I am
not strong enough to keep him still. As soon as I release him, he wakes.

He looks at me in confusion. Without speaking, I reach out to him and hold
him tight, rocking him until his breathing slows. He buries his head in my
neck and whispers "Thank you."

"For what?" I lightly kiss the top of his head. He looks up at me and smiles.
"For just for being you."

My arms tighten around him of their own accord. With a troubled sigh, he
slips his arms around my waist and holds me close. I stroke his hair and make
soothing noises, singing quietly until his breathing deepens and he falls
asleep again. I sit awake, watching over him until I doze off.

I watch as he drifts awake slowly, smiling at the feeling of his warm body
against mine. Somehow during the night, we've changed positions so that is my
head resting on his chest, and his arms are wrapped protectively around me. I
wiggle out of his embrace and sit with my back against the headboard, smiling
down at him as he rubs the sleep out his eyes. "Did you sleep ok?" He knows I
mean after the nightmares.

"Yeah." He looks away for a second. "I can't tell you how much it means to me
that you came back."

"You needed me." I shrug self conciously and yawn widely. "I could never
leave you alone when you need someone."

He sits next to me and puts his arm around my waist. I rest my head on his
shoulder, smiling as he plays with the fingers on my left hand. It's the
moments like this with him that I cherish most. I reach up and trace his
jawline with the finger tips of my free hand, before lightly running them
over his lips. Without thinking about it, I cup his face in my hand and
kiss him.

Part 3

He responds to her immediately, pulling her against him and angling his head
to deepen the kiss. She tangles a hand in his hair and wraps the other one
around his neck, bringing his bare torso into contact with hers through the
thin cotton of her nightgown. They break apart, both breathing quickly. He
drops his arms and turns away. "I'm sorry."

"You said that last night." She remarks, sliding her hands down to rest on
his shoulders. "What are you sorry for?"

"For taking advantage of your trust and friendship." He refuses to look at
her. She laughs quietly. "In case you hadn't noticed, I kissed you just then.
I'd hardly call that taking advantage of anything. Maybe if you hadn't been
so quick to condemn yourself last night, you may have found that out."

He looks at her, surprised. She smiles at him and squeezes his hand. He
places his hands on her waist and lifts her so she is straddling his lap. She
presses against him, sliding her arms around his neck as he captures her lips
with his own, running his hands up under her nightgown.

She gasps at the feel of his hands on her bare skin and he pulls away
instantly, not wanting to push things further than she's willing to go.
Knowing what he is thinking, she kisses him again and presses her hips
against his. He growls low in his throat and breaks off sharply. "If
this doesn't stop right now, then it may not stop at all."

He looks at her, surprised. She smiles at him and squeezes his hand. He
places his hands on her waist and lifts her so she is straddling his lap. She
presses against him, sliding her arms around his neck as he captures her lips
with his own, running his hands up under her nightgown.

She gasps at the feel of his hands on her bare skin and he pulls away
instantly, not wanting to push things further than she's willing to go.
Knowing what he is thinking, she kisses him again and presses her hips
against his. He growls low in his throat and breaks off sharply. "If
this doesn't stop right now, then it may not stop at all."

"You say it like it's a bad thing?" She teases lightly. Turning serious, she
grasps the hem of her nigh gown and slowly lifts it over her head. He bies
back a groan and kisses her with a hunger that is almost frightening to her.

Somehow the rest of their clothes are removed and they lay together across
the bed. Almost unwillingly, he drags his mouth away from hers and and
whispers husily "Are you certain?"

"I've never been more certain in my life." She replies with a smile. He
kisses her again an they begin to make love, each instinctly knowing what the
other wants, how to drive each other to the brink, then cruelly slow it down,
proloning the inevitable. After what seems like an eternity, release comes
all too soon as they cling to each stunned by the intensity of what just

"Raven?" She asks hesitantly. He smiles at her. "Yeah babe?"

Summoning up all her courage, she brushes a strand of hair off his face and
utters the words his been wanting to say for days now. "I love you."

He looks at her in disbelief and surprise and she gets the feeling that he's
going to be looking at her like that a fair bit over the next few days as
they explore this new dimension to their relationship. He breaks into a grin.
"I love you too Molly."

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